I can feel my blood sugar crashing between juices, reaching the nadir between Spicy Citrus and the euphoric mania of the Tomato Gazpacho, which I do in fact chug, ruining my sexist generalizations. I also learn from my pacing mistakes, sipping each juice so that they last an hour and picking up the next twenty minutes later (though I'm not sure men would be able to keep themselves from chugging whenever they feel hungry). I wake up with my headache gone and go through the Juice Press cleanse with less skepticism than BluePrint, since I'm not drinking glorified apple juice all day. It consists of Complete Source (carrot, celery, parsley, and spinach) the optimistically named The Meal (spinach, carrot, cucumber, celery, apple, carrot, and spirulina) shockingly sweet and orange Sweet Potato Pie (carrot, sweet potato, apple) the (really, really) Spicy Citrus (grapefruit, orange, lemon, ginger, cayenne) actually delicious Tomato Gazpacho and the very light Gravity (cucumber, celery, aloe, lemon, kale, and live cultures). The Cleanse: The organic six-juice cleanse makes BluePrint taste like candy. The bottle labels, whose diction and punctuation recall the starvation-stymied emails I've sent today or something a junkie might write on a Port Authority bathroom wall, include bromides like, "You don't have to eat dirt to feel close to the earth! Just drink our juice & eat our raw foods!" I get a thunderous headache that lasts from 4:30 to 10 p.m., when I finally pass out from pain.
Terrified that I'll go to bed hungry, I try to space out the juices in the first half of the day so that that I can drink more in the evening. Fun fact: You are supposed to chew the juice to trick your body into thinking you're actually eating so it produces digestion-aiding saliva.
The Cleanse: "Renovation" is an organic six-juice-a-day program that includes two of the sweet and muddy Green Juice (kale, apple, romaine, celery, cucumber, spinach) the PAM (pineapple, apple, mint) and CAB (carrot, apple, beet), both treacly sweet Spicy Lemonade, BluePrint's superior take on the Master Cleanse and the merciful, milkshake-like Cashew Milk, which is the last juice of the day and gives me a whisper of satiety before bed. I would too, but I'm too busy to be choosy - my vegetable intake comes in the form of: Ketchup - 'tomatoes' and French Fries - 'potatoes.'" Because I chose the "easiest" cleanse (a gluttonous 1070 calories), BluePrint correctly divined my inner monologue: "I know what whole foods are, and I've seen people buying them.
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